I realized today it has been a long time since writing my last blog and figured I should start back at it. So much has happened in the last few months that I need to clear my mind and get back on track. Not just with my writing but with everything that we have going on in our lives.
So much has happened! Both good and a few bad things, but that is life.
Back in February Bailey was crowned Miss Teenage Fort Saskatchewan 2016 in regional. Since then she has been busy with volunteering and showing up at events within our city. She is enjoying her title and looking forward to nationals in Toronto this July. She has met some amazing girls who have helped in so many ways.
We have moved out of Greg's parents place and into a place of our own and have been busy making the changes needed to declutter and organize our home. It is smaller then we have had in the past but it is just the three of us now so it works.
We have started working out and weight training together as a family and watching what we are eating. This was needed for our physical and our mental health. We have all had our issues with sleeping and weight gain with the stress level being up so we felt our lives needed a change. This is where change is a good thing! Exercise is so beneficial to our healing and our health that it was a no brainer to start doing it. Bailey has had her weeks where she isn't pushing herself but with the stress of exams and the second angelversary of Morgan's suicide coming up it is understandable. Greg has been doing great and is making progress and I am learning that no matter what my age, weight training can be done!
Last month Fort McMurray seen a city wide evacuation due to an out of control wild fire that sent us into panic waiting to hear our son made it out safely. Once we did we were able to stop and think how can we help. Bailey did well raising money for the Red Cross and local stops that the evacuees where making on the way down to Edmonton. The city has since started the heal and rebuilding process and even my brother and his crew from work back east came out to help. It was great being able to see my brother again after almost three years of being away from home.
On our path to healing we have had road bumps, episodes and good times. While nothing will ever bring back Morgan then work we continue to do to help others and fight for changes keeps us going in the right direction. Morgan I know is proud of all we have been able to do in such a short amount of time. This September we are finally hosting our first major fundraiser in the form of a concert. We have four local artists who will be performing and all have worked to stop bullying and change the way others see mental health so it is a perfect fit. The money raised will be for getting some projects off the ground and also to help Robb Nash Project which is amazing!!! |Our target age will be 12 and up and we hope that parents will come to see what all we have to offer.
So many changes and so many more to come. So many fear change but I have come to welcome it as a part of life. Nothing stays the same for long and we have to learn to adapt and continue on. This is how we survive and how we grow as individuals. We have to or we get stuck and then we have an even harder time being able to function and deal with the everyday stresses of life.
I have come to see its not about forgetting and carrying on as if nothing has happened but learning to accept fate and accept it as part of who we are. Losing a child is unbearable but it is now part of who I am. I am a suicide loss survivor and that, I can not change. No matter what happens, no matter what I do or say and no matter where I am that is a part of who I am and I have come to accept that. I will have hard days, easy days and days I wish would just end, but it is how I choose to get through them and how I choose to think that makes the difference in fighting or giving up. In my life, giving up is not an option! Nor will it be for my family. We are fighters and I will fight everyday if I have to.
Learning to live again wasn't easy and I will never expect someone to be able to just pick up the shattered pieces of their lives and carry on like nothing has happened but learning to accept those broken pieces as part of who you are is important and vital in learning to live again. Smiling and laughing at first seem hard and you worry others will think you have forgotten when you haven't but you learn to smile and laugh again because it is part of healing and continuing on with our lives.
Nobody can tell you what is right or what will work for you. They can offer support and love but they cant tell you what will help heal that pain for you. Grief is a journey that is as unique and each one of us. All I can say is keep going and seek out those who support and love you for you and you will be okay. It may take months or even years but you will be okay.
I have learnt that when you are faced with unimaginable circumstances you find those who are true to you and those who will want to take advantage of the situation. Some will not know how to talk to you anymore fearing they will say the wrong thing, many will want to help but not know how and some will even try to make everything about them. You know what that is okay, and why I say that is because that is about them not you! The only thing we can control is ourselves, our own actions and our own thoughts. Those around us will eventually see they cant change who we are and they will move on.
So what has the last few months shown me? Well they have shown me I am stronger then I ever was before. Both mentally and emotionally. It has shown me that I am not responsible for how others see me or how they think. I am who I am and no matter what I go through in life my children, grandbabies (oh yeah number two in due in November) and my husband come first, and that those around me who cause me stress and worry are not worth my energy. I am stronger and I am who I am and nothing will change that. I have seen my daughter fall and pick herself up and keep going so I know my strength is in her and she will be okay. That and we are far to stubborn to stay down!
To you I hope you all find that strength inside you to keep fighting. I can't promise it will be easy but I do promise it will be worth it!