Today marks 1 year since our daughter attempt suicide. It was the seconds worst day I had as a parent.
A year ago our daughter suffered a mental breakdown due to her PTSD symptoms and swallowed three bottles of pills, she is lucky to still be alive. She had an angel watching over her that day and it was her twin sister that she had lost just 16 months earlier to suicide.
Healing after a loss of that nature has not been easy for Bailey or for any of us but we have continued to fight each and every day to heal ourselves and to help others that face the same loss and those who feel so lost they believe suicide is there only option to make the pain stop.
Over the last year we have had ups and downs, laughs and cries, joy and pain but we are all still here and doing what we can to help ourselves and others.
So many ask why we want to help so many others when we are still ourselves healing but what they don't understand is helping gives us purpose. It gives us a reason to keep fighting and living our lives so that others can see that healing does happen when you have the right support system in place.
Bailey and I have spend the last year working on both ourselves and ways to help others. We have taken courses through Red Cross, we have taken SafeTalk and now I am taking courses in Mental Health Counselling and Psychology courses. All have helped both ourselves and others we have talked to.
Learning to help ourselves has allowed us to find pieces of us that had been lost. Joys we once had that have returned and new interests have been found as well. Healing from loss can be rewarding if we allow it to be. We have found ways to physically help ourselves that have in turn helped us mentally and emotionally. We began working out and eating clean which has improved our sleeping habits, our physical health and it also has given us family time together. We have started going to more and more events both in our community and local communities. This has allowed us to meet and talk to people that we never would have had the pleasure of meeting had we locked ourselves away and suffered alone. We have found interests that maybe were always there but had no reason to be explored and now as we find to new "us" we have allowed them to come out. You see healing can be a pathway to someone new.
When you lose a child that old person you once were is not who you are after the loss. You become a different person that look sand feels so much differently then you did before and that is okay! For me I have accepted that I am not longer the person I once was but now I know I need to find the person I am today. Change is never easy but the sooner you accept it and start looking inside to find that new you then you start to heal a little more each day. For some its a new hobby to ground and center yourself, a new interest that expands your body and mind, a new friends who just "gets" you and wants to see you become the best you out there and more importantly change can allow you to finally find your purpose.
Bailey has healed so much in such a short time. Maybe because she is young or maybe because she has had so many amazing people come into her life that want to see her succeed and share the life story in hopes of helping so many youth that need to hear it or maybe because they can relate in some small way and know that she too can beat this and live the life she deserves. Bailey is and will continue to be under the care of doctors for a long time to come but that is okay because she knows her mind needs to be healthy and that she needs to be stable to do all she sets out to accomplish in her life. While being an advocate is important to her she also knows she needs to accomplish her long term personal goals too. Some days are harder then others but she gets up and shows up everyday and that is what counts. For her to show others that even with loss and mental illness you are able to fight back and do what you need to in order to help yourself first she is showing so many that strength is possible. Believing in yourself is possible after depression tells you that you shouldn't, that doing those things that once caused your anxiety to peak will soon become an interest that brings great excitement, that the addictions you once faced will become a part of your past so you can find those healthy ways to cope with life's stressors and that loss can change you into someone who is stronger, more loving, more accepting, and someone who lives each and everyday to the fullest and never takes an opportunity for granted! My daughter at 15 has gained so much knowledge and passion at such a young age that she has shown me learning new things is always possible, you are only as old as you feel and that strength comes when you need it most.
Today we celebrate that she is still with us and still going strong despite those bad days. We celebrate the life she is learning to live despite the greatest loss she will ever face and we thank her angel for showing her that she needs to be here, that even with Morgan gone she is still her protector and her voice the same as she was while she was with us.
Today is a new day, and another year to heal and grow. <3
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