Learning to live again after any tragedy is a process but after a suicide you go through a process like no other.
The first year you are numb, you feel you can't breath; you hurt all over, and feel like you will never live again. You exist but you don't live. The first year you are learning how to cope and deal with the pain, the unanswered questions and all the what if's you can possibly think of. It's hard there is no other way to explain it. You exist through all the first holidays, and you count every month until you reach that first year. Then what? Then you have to learn to live again.
In the second year you are learning to live your life again. Finding ways to see the good in the world, things that bring you joy, and ways to keep going that make you feel alive again.
Everyone will have things that helped them, like taking time to enjoy the small things that once brought you joy, taking time to write down three things each day that made you smile or doing those small things you enjoyed that always brought you happiness.
For me it’s about finding my purpose again. Finding what will make me feel as whole as I can while a piece of me is gone. Nothing or nobody will ever fill that empty place in my heart that was once held by my baby girl but I need and want to find a way to live again.
The things I once enjoyed up to now have held little to no joy in my life. I find picking up a book to read it allows my mind to wonder, picking up my camera to take photos brings back memories of taking photos of everything that my children did, and anytime I feel that pull to do a craft I am reminded of the times my dining room would be filled with the smell of glue, and glitter all over the dining room floor. So how do I learn to live again?
The answer is not simple nor is it easy but it is what my daughter would want. It will be a process like everything else that has been during the last year. I will try different tips and I will start doing the things I once enjoyed again and welcome those memories as the flood back. I will start writing again and challenging myself to do new things and go places we always wanted to go. Why because that is what you do when you are living. You make those plans, take those trips and enjoy every moment you have living your life. It won't be easy and it will bring a lot of tears but those tears will be brought on by happy memories that I will welcome.
Learning to live again will also mean accepting every holiday as a challenge and every occasion we celebrate with Bailey as bringing both happiness and tears knowing she should be celebrating those with her twin sister. From getting her permit, starting high school, every birthday, graduating high school, getting married and starting a family are just some things that will pose a challenge for both Bailey and us as a family.
Learning to live again will mean planning vacations and trips we always wanted to do with the girls so they could see their country and experience all we could offer them.
It means taking time for me to do everything I once loved and learn to love them again and not feel guilty for smiling and laughing.
It means taking time to spend with my husband free from guilt when Bailey isn't with us every single moment out of fear something may happen to her.
Learning to live again means getting over all that fear you have that something is going to happen to the last child you have at home. This is something that is harder to get over then anyone could ever imagine. We are trying but it is a process that you can only explain and taking your worst fear and facing it every single moment of every single day.
The next year will be filled with emotion yet again however this time we will welcome it and learn to enjoy life once again because THIS is what Morgan would have wanted us to do.