First off I am going to start with yes I am okay!
With less then a week till the angelversary of Morgan's suicide it is to be expected that stress will play a role in our day to day lives. Yesterday was no exception!
My day started of great, I got up took my supplements, ate and cleaned half the house. Then it went to productive, I worked on some pamphlets and information for our upcoming fundraiser and then it went to what the fuck just happened!
So let me go back a few nights and explain a few things so you kinda get where this all came from. So my C-PTSD showed it ugly side last week when I woke up in a cold sweat and my thigh burning from a nightmare. I was attacked from behind and was being dragged across a parking lot which resulted in my thigh getting road burn. May have been a dream but when I woke those scares on my thigh were burning like they were fresh. Nothing like jumping up out of bed at 5am and not knowing what the hell is going on. The only thing that calmed me was seeing my husband laying beside me still sleeping. I never did go back to sleep that day. Instead I poured my energy into getting things together for our announcement.
Fast forward a couple days and we come to yesterday. Bailey went to school to write her first exam. I did some work and checked her facebook. Yes I check it and I don't give a rats ass what anyone says she is my daughter and my job to protect her and I will do that till my last breath. So turns out Bailey didn't have a so good day. She almost relapsed and thank god no episode. I messaged and told her to get her ass home to which she didn't question.
Now what happens after she got home some will say I was harsh, some will say she needed it and some will think WTF did you do. So let me be clear, unless you have lived in my house and know the ins and outs of what we go through, sat in countless hours of therapy, counselling and doctors appointments YOU don't get to judge how we decide to handle tough things that come up in our lives. I know what is best and sometimes the whole protecting and baby our kids needs to stop. And yesterday was the hard cold facts or reality that she needed.
So Bailey wrote her first exam yesterday, last year she didn't have to but this year she did. She came home and I questioned her about her facebook messages and she started to reply with "I'm not prepared for exams, I broke down in tears at the end" to which I replied well you have been told that you need to focus on the task at hand and stop thinking forward. She then replied well its a week away .... and I said oh no you are NOT blaming your sister for your choices no more! Morgan isn't around to defend herself and no way in hell you are going to grow up with the poor me attitude or blaming your sister for your life choices! You see in this house the first time you do something wrong its a mistake, you continue that mistake and it is now a choice and YOU are responsible for the outcome! Did Bailey lose her twin to suicide YES, does that mean she gets to roll over and blame that on every bad day or poor choice NO! She is in control of what she does and how she feels. God knows she has done enough therapy in the last two years she could probably get a damn degree in it! Am I being cold heart, maybe to some but in our house NO! We all lost Morgan that day, we have all lost someone we love and we have all lost a part of ourselves but in no way are we victims! We are survivors and that is the mentality we need to keep going. Bailey has PTSD yes and I know when those signs are showing and yesterday was not one of them, yesterday was a high stress day with regular life and she almost allowed herself to give way to that and blame someone else for those actions, THAT IS NOT OKAY!! And I made damn sure she knew that. So how did her evening play out, just fine! She bucked up, ate supper, spend some time with dad and went to bed like she does every single night and today she is just fine, home listening to music and dancing.
So how did my day go to WTF well as a mom who has C-PTSD and finally had been diagnosed with BPD at 21 I have my own battles to fight. Last night for the first time in almost 16-17 years I literally could feel that reality slipping away from under me. NOT cool and NOT fun! I know I am not crazy, I know I have been through a lot of shit but I am not crazy. But last night holy hell I thought I was getting there! And then being open with husband he knew something was wrong and to try to explain how you feel that line of reality fade and its like your living in a dream world but there is no way to fight it made me sound like I was losing it. I told him I had a headache for two days and nights straight (yesterday it was gone) I was hungry but felt sick all day, and if I stopped and sat for any length of time it was like I had no control of where my mind went and I honestly though a break down was going to happen. The last time I had this feeling it was before I had the twins and I was more danger to myself then anyone ( or at least in my own head I thought I was) I haven't self harmed in YEARS and its not something I would think I would do. I don't drink, and I don't do drugs. I cant, because I know if days like yesterday happen it would be so easy to give into those weaknesses. For me that isn't an option.
HA writing this really makes me think my husband must have thought I was going crazy last night!
So on to what I did. Well I told him how I felt, and honestly I still don't know what would have made that happen yesterday. It honestly wasn't any more stressful then other days, in fact I have had so much worse days then yesterday that I was now starting to analyze myself. Ok I have done psychotherapy, the workshops and everything in the past so its just what I do is analyze and research. Yeah well this chick right here had NOTHING I couldn't for the life of me find anything that would have caused last night's episode and I was pissed! Never have I ever not been able to find the root of a problem or the cause of an action and I was NOT having it! So what did I do? Well I ate supper, cleaned up, and went up to read my book. I haven't picked up a book to read since Morgan died. So when Bailey went to bed I looked around and thought ok I am not losing my mind, I am tired! I am tired of fighting against every person who thinks we should be shutting our mouths about Morgan's suicide, Bailey's suicide attempt, her struggle with self harm, my struggle with self harm in the past, my husband's anxiety, my BPD, our PTSD, bullying and how it IS connected to domestic violence, mental illness and how people need to treat it the SAME WAY we do cancer and every other illness that cant KILL people, the fact that our human races has become so fucked in how we think and our priorities (gun rights over human lives, wild animals in cages, their natural instinct over a child's life, the fact that money and power are more important then compassion and empathy, how we fight for rights that should just be there like who we can love and marry, or that we have to fight for treatment to illnesses that shouldn't be killing our youth.) Yes I feel more deeply then the average person, I see things clearer then most people and I can look at a situation and figure out how to fix it and what the problem is. I cant help that! It is who I am and I cant keep blocking myself from that to make other people feel comfortable. So you see I wasn't losing my grasp with reality IN FACT my reality was making itself clear for the first time in YEARS and I was trying to suppress it.
This morning I got to talk some to a good friend and what she said is what made me realize that I have been living with so many walls up because I feel so much more then most people (Morgan was the same way) I attract the wrong people in herds and the good people in my life tend to be those who I never let go of so they have been with me for decades. So am I crazy?? Maybe in some ways but not mentally, I am just a mom who lost a part of my heart forever, a mom who fights everyday for the rights of my children and your children, I fight for the day when everyone can live without fear of who they are and what invisible illness they have, I fight for the day we all have access to the treatment we need when we need it so no others have to die from a treatable illness and I live for the day that everyone can have their opinion and not be judged for it, the day we can all say we agree to disagree but find a common ground to live together on without wanting to change everyone to who we are. Honestly if we were all the same it would be boring as hell! We are all individuals, we all have goals, hopes and dreams and we all deserve to live without fear of what others think about us.
It has taken me a long time to get to a point in my life that I don't give a rats ass what people think about me. How I look, feel and think is not anyone's business but what others think of me is none of my business, nor do I care. I am happy, I have my days but I am happy and that is all that matters. And it is all that should matter to you! If you are happy then nobody has the power to take that from you unless you give them that power. If that is the case it is time for you to take that back. Just as I have with mine <3 So yesterday it is safe so say my reality hit and it hit hard lol. Today I pick myself up, dust it off and start letting that reality make its way through my life again. Oh and I will warn you, I have been through a lot of shit, and I mean a lot..... so reality coming back full force means those who get in my way with what I want may not know what hit them...... just ask those who have had the pleasure of dealing with my determination if you need to know what your up against ;)
Now time for music and a good hard core workout! Love you all who have stood by my side and who continue to, you mean more to me then you will ever know <3