November 27th marks 17 months since Morgan's suicide.
Three weeks and two days is how long since we lived that nightmare again when her twin sister attempted suicide and thankfully survived.
Suicide is not a stranger in our family. Sadly. Suicide seems to show its ugly side all to often in our home.
Many have heard the story of our daughter Morgan and how we lost her to suicide after bullying pushed her so deep into depression she couldn't find her way back. You have also heard her twin sisters story of her attempt and surviving. however what many have not heard is my own battles with these demons.
When I was 21 I knew something was wrong and went to a counsellor to find out what it was. I mean to sit and think that the knife in your kitchen can easily slice through your wrist or those bottles of over the counter pain pills could put you into a forever sleep isn't normal, or even thinking sitting on your third story window ledge and falling backwards would kill you in an instant is not how a normal person thinks. Sadly these thoughts are all to normal for someone who battles borderline personality disorder. These are demons that in the face of what I call "moments of darkness" can show themselves. Not only these demons but also pain and thoughts so vile that you do whatever you can physically to rid them of your mind. This is where self harming comes into play.
At 21 they toyed with the idea that I was bipolar due to mood swings and suicidal thoughts. However I could control many of the impulses. They tried medication which I reacted badly to. At one point I was taking pills to go to sleep, pills to wake up and another to get my through the day with no mood swings. I reacted badly and they made things worse so I stopped taking them. I did many different sessions for anxiety, depression and anger management along with psychotherapy. While the therapy worded for me to better control my emotions, anger and flashbacks they did nothing for the thoughts of suicide or the wanting to self harm. I was then sent back to the doctor where they finally realized it wasn't bipolar it was BPD. Thankfully this disorder for the most part stabilizes over time and with the right coping techniques you can live a normal life. Shortly after I was diagnosed I became pregnant for the twins.
The funny thing for me is with every pregnancy I couldn't have felt better! No mood swings, no thoughts of suicide or self harm, no insomnia NOTHING!
As time went on and I started noticing changes in my children going through their teen years I honestly forgot my own battles BUT I could relate. I could explain to people how one could self harm and the reasons why they do it. I could explain that while cutting seems to be the choice of everyone that it isn't the only method of self harming. I could also relate to the not caring about the choices you made that could put you in a life threatening situation. But it didn't help me cope with my own issues that were being brought to the surface.
On June 27th we found Morgan after she had completed suicide in her room she shared with Bailey. That has sadly started a spiral of ups and downs not only for Bailey but myself. I found myself wanting and needing to be with her but able to tell myself Bailey and my other children still needed me. I found myself unable to cope with stupidity and people who complain, but I was able to remember that I cant control what others say or do, I also found myself living the thought process I did when I was younger always worrying about what other people where thinking or saying.
This sucked ass!
As time went on and the numbness of losing Morgan faded away I found myself battling my own demons once again. The worry, the fear, the mental pain so bad you HAVE to do anything to get rid of it, and then it hit me. I was pushed back into a time where my mind knew how to protect itself. I had regressed. So I did what any adult would do and pushed forward and healed myself in ways I knew would work. And it had, until 3 weeks and 2 days ago.
When I got the call from the school that they were taking Bailey to the ER that she had finally admitted to taking three bottles of pills my world fell apart. What pieces where fitting back together ever so nicely where broken all over again. It is normal, and its all part of opening old wounds but for someone who has fit pieces back together their entire life this just left everything sitting there with no hope of being put together again.
I will never be who I was before and I have to stop thinking I will be. I will never be who I was before we lost Morgan nor will I be the same person I was before Bailey attempted. That is life and I needed to accept that.
Last week I hit that point. Those on my FaceBook know the post I am referring to. My life is not about what others think, say or do. Period! If I want to post how I feel and you think it is referencing you then hunny you best look at yourself and I will say this, no it has nothing to do with you because I DONT CARE! If I am talking about someone then they will know because that is their business and not the worlds. If I post a general post and you think it is directed at you then honestly if the shoe fits, wear the bitch! but do not message or post asking me about because I will tell you straight up. I am done playing. I am taking the stance that if you don't pay my bills then you have no say in what I do, if you are not sleeping in my bed then you have no say in what I do or how I spend my time, unless you are listed as a close friend or relative (and even then beware) you don't get to tell me how I should be healing myself, and lastly if you are not in my inner most circle then do not tell me I should be worrying about how my daughters death and daughter near death has affected you or your family cause darling I DONT CARE! And do not try to tell me what is best for my daughter cause unless your going to spend countless nights laying with her and watching her, taking her to all of her appointments and fighting with her doctors OR pay for the things she is in to help her find who she is then stop before you open your mouth. Not to mention that unless you have been where we have you can not offer me any advice on what you think will work.
I have come to this conclusion in losing one to suicide and nearly another that I will not do things to please others, I will not engage in forced interactions with anyone, I will not be spending time with those that I just don't want to spend time with and I will not be caring about what others think I should or shouldn't be doing for myself OR my daughter! I have come to the realization that my mental health is not worth people who are not beneficial to me. Selfish? Honestly for the first time in 38 years I can say I don't care. I have earned the right to be selfish for me and my family.
So when suicide hits your family know this. I will be there for you in any way I can because to me that is what I should be doing, if I can help someone face the worse possible situation that could happen I am going to. If suicidal thoughts haunt your mind I will be there to help you through it, because I have been there and if a suicide attempt has rocked the hell out of your house I will be there to help calm things as best I can BECAUSE THIS IS MY THERAPY! I have been placed in a situation that allows me to educate, help and be there for those who can understand and I am going to do it!
Suicide sucks! Nobody should have to stay silent, live in shame or have to face it alone. I will do everything I can in my power to keep fighting for changes because that is what I am here to do.
One small step at a time and one small accomplishment at a time. That's how changes are made and that's how empires are built.